A Death in the Family

It’s been over a year since I last wrote something here… Don’t ask me why, I don’t really know the answer to that.

Yesterday I got a call from my youngest sister: my uncle had died. They don’t know exactly when or how yet – I don’t know if we’ll get answers to those questions, we’ll just have to wait and see.

This is the uncle that used me as a kid, that is the reason for my childhood trauma and the reason for why I’ve blocked out most of my childhood. The uncle that I try to see as little as possible when visiting family.

And he’s dead now.

And I don’t know how to feel. How to process it. What I’m allowed to feel.

He’s family, so it feels like I have to be sad, to mourn. He’s family. But he’s also my past “abuser”. Why should I mourn the passing of someone like that?

At the moment, I can’t really feel anything about it. Except empty.

I can’t say I’m sad. I can’t say I’m celebrating being free of him. I can’t say what I feel. Because I don’t know what I feel.

I’ve thought about, in the past, how I would feel if he no longer was alive. I’ve had moments I’ve literally wished he would just die already. I’ve thought and planned around how I’d deal with still having him in my life for another twenty, thirty, or more years.

I’m at a loss.

I feel like I’d feel guilty if I’m not sad. He’s a person, a close relative, that’s died! What monster isn’t sad if their uncle died!?

I also feel like I’d feel guilty if I’m sad. He’s the source of my lived nightmare. Who feels sad for that person dying!?

I’ve been mostly empty today. Emotionless. I just don’t know…