Category Archives: Whatever/Random

Happenings

There’s been a lot happening these last few months.

A couple of weeks before Christmas I had a conversation with a stranger at the bus stop near my apartment – a stranger that turned out knowing a friend of mine here, and somebody from my small hometown too. He is an older man, around 50 years  old, that’d become homeless that day. The person he’d been staying with wanted to be alone again – they’re still friends, just not able to live together anymore.

We ended up talking on the bus. In the end I offered him my sofa bed, so he didn’t have to live outside and hope to get a bed at the homeless shelter every night. He’s been staying here since then, while looking for his own place.

It’s going quite well – we’re pretty alike in some aspects, which helps I guess. Some times I miss my space (I have a pretty small apartment after all), but overall it works. I think it has a lot to do with him being very respectful of it actually being my place, and helping out with buying food and other things. He often tells me how grateful he is for being allowed to stay here.

During the first month, he told me he loves me. That threw me some. But he made it clear that he doesn’t expect anything back – no answer, no reciprocation, nothing. Which is good, ’cause I would not be comfortable saying it back. Because I can’t say it’s true, and I don’t believe in saying “I love you” without really meaning it – and knowing that I mean it. I actually have a hard time with love, I’m not sure I know how it feels to really love somebody (but I’ll probably write a proper post about that subject later – I started writing about it on paper a few weeks back).

Aside from getting a temporary roommate, I’ve been looking for work placement. Found a place that was willing to take me on, so I started earlier this week. Part time. But if it works out, it’ll expand to full time after a while. I’m placed at a school where I’m helping where needed in the hallways, class rooms and the school’s youth club. I’ve helped out in a few sewing classes, and from next week I’ll probably have a few sewing classes where I’ll be the “permanent” help.

Yesterday, I had my first meeting with the surgeon that will do my breast reduction. I’ll probably get a time for the first operation some time during the following three months – and I say first operation because there might be a second one, if there’s something that needs to be adjusted after the first one.

I’ve been on the hormone treatment six months, by the way. So there’s been some changes for me. I’ve gotten more body hair – pretty much everywhere – including more stubble (I’ve shaved a few times already). It’s not really going on a beard yet, but I can see that it’ll get there in the not so distant future. I’ve gained about 8 kilo, and my breasts have shrunk somewhat. One big downside is that I’ve gotten a lot of annoying acne, on the face and shoulders.

Oh yeah! My voice keeps changing, and breaking. My friends notice it more than I do, but it’s nice that it’s happening.

Well, that’s all I want to write about right now…

This is why

I’ve decided to create this blog for myself and not for anybody else. I have another blog already, but I have friends and family that know about that one, and sometimes I would like to be able to write stuff without feeling like I have to defend or explain myself to them afterwards. I would like to be able to write about my deepest secret, without having to censor myself because I don’t want my family in particular to know about it.

This the biggest reason for creating this blog. So I can write whatever I want, without worrying about if someone I know reads it. Because some things I just want to write down, without having to talk about it afterwards or without feeling like I let someone down or failed. Through this blog I can be anonymous, And if someone does realize who I am, then so be it – I’ll deal with that if the day ever comes.

I usually have one and the same username for all the different sites I’m a member on, but not for this one – it would be tough to be anonymous with a username that most of my friends and family knows that I use… It’ll probably feel weird using a different alias at first, but hopefully I’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

I can’t be sure how much I’ll actually use this site, but it feels good to have a place where I can write whatever I feel like – be it about the past, the future, my dreams or my fears. I’ll probably write about everything and nothing, and many times in the same post. I might not always make sense to you, but that’s not the important thing for me. But if a post would make you curious, you can always try to write to me and perhaps you’ll get answers to your questions.

The important thing for me, is that I have a place where I can write what’s in my head – where I can get my thoughts visible and hopefully let the thought go. And if you find your way here, maybe you even can help me let go of some things or solve other things.

I’m not the most social person and I suck (really, really suck) at idle small talk, but despite this I welcome new people to talk to, chat with, get to know or just exchanging a couple of sentences with. And I’m pretty good at listening to other people, so if you need a stranger to talk about stuff with (which sometimes can be easier than talking to those close to oneself) – feel free to drop me a line.

I might post some or most of this under About NotWeak too, but I’ve not decided about that yet.

The first “real” post might be written during the next couple of days. But they might as likely not.

(originally posted at my old, and misbehaving, blog and was posted on April 20, 2015)