Category Archives: Transition

Menstruation

I started my hormone treatment in August 2015 – got my first injection of testosterone August 26 to be exact. Thereafter I got an injection every 12th week.

I was lucky – very lucky, I’d say – in the sense that my menstruation/period decided to leave me alone right after that. And it stayed away too, I never had any trouble in that area. Until now…

Took some blood samples at the beginning of this year – as ordered by my doctor, to check that the treatment doesn’t mess with anything. A few (one?) values was a bit higher than recommended, so my doctor thought I should try taking the next two injections every 14th week instead – the next injection then landing in week 17, instead of week 15 – and then I’ll take new blood samples before the second injection (that’s week 31).

Something in their paperwork ended up wrong though, so I got information for taking new samples during week 21 – and a scheduled phone time with my doctor a week later (June 2) – instead of before week 31. I didn’t get any helpful answer when I tried to contact them about this, so I went and took the tests and talked to my doctor. Which I’m glad for right now, since it saved me the trouble of trying to get a time to talk to him about my new problem.

Five days ago (three days before the phone call with my doctor), I started to feel weird and I couldn’t figure out why – I wasn’t sick, so what was going on?

My stomach was slightly upset, bubbly if you will, my acne was worse, my back hurt without reason, and I had to go to the bathroom all the time and switch underwear too often (or try to clean/dry them with paper during work, when I didn’t have extra underwear available). Thursday night it hit me. I knew what was wrong.

My period’s back. These days I’ve been menstruating – with all it entails, except the blood. And I mean all; I need to use pads, because I’m leaking whatever that’s usually mixed with the blood during a period. And yesterday and today, the cramps decided to join the party too…

So, it’s good I got to talk to my doctor. I’m going back to taking my injections every 12th week again – so next time is week 29 – and before the second injection from now, I’ll be taking new blood samples.

Unfortunately, this probably means I’ll be having my period again in about a month – and if the injection doesn’t work miracles, I run the risk of having it at the end of July, beginning of August too (which would be really annoying since that’s the only time durint the summer I have plans to be away a few days).

So, I’m not the happiest person right now. I’m nearing two years on hormone treatment and haven’t had any mestruation problems, until now. All because my doctor thought it’d be a good idea to try switching up my injection schedule.

Am I allowed?

Am I allowed to be not completely satisfied?

I finally had my mastectomy – just a week and a half ago – and I oscillate between being thrilled and being not-quite-satisfied. And the second feeling usually leads to feelings of guilt and anxiety.

I couldn’t be happier about having had my mastectomy – and I’ll get another visit with my surgeon in a few months, during which we’ll see if there’s anything more that needs to be done, like e. g. liposuction. But I can’t help not being completely satisfied yet, even though I know I should give it more time before I make a final judgement. I’m still healing – my chest is yellow and blue, and it’s still a bit swollen. I’m not sure how much is swelling that will go down as the healing proceeds.

But.

As it looks right now, I’m not completely satisfied. I still have boobs. They may be tiny, especially compared to before, but it’s still boobs. I don’t want boobs. Not even small ones. I want to be able to wear a tight shirt, or no shirt, without feeling self-concious about boobs I shouldn’t have.

And yes, I know. Not all guys have flat chests. Most people have some padding (or whatever you want to call it). But trust me, this is not padding. This is boobs. And I’m skinny. I’m the underweight kind of skinny. So even small boobs – that might be small enough to just be natural padding on some people – will not feel, or look, like padding on me. It will look like small boobs. I’m feminine-looking enough that people won’t even question it. They’ll probably just see a regular girl with small boobs.

“Why care what other people think?”

I try not to. And a lot of times, I don’t. But it’s not only about what other people thinks. It’s about what I think and, more importantly, what I feel. And if I don’t feel right, if I feel that my chest is more boobs than just a chest, that will affect my confidence around other people. And when your confidence is playing against you, it’s hard as hell not caring what other people think.

It’s hard going against the norm when it comes to a thing like gender – most people grow up with the notion that you don’t need more than to look at a person to know their gender. And it’s exhausting to find the courage to correct people all the time – most exhausting is to correct those you see on regular basis, like co-workers. It’s not easier if you’re not satisfied with your own body, on top of that.

If your body doesn’t conform to the norm and you’re satisfied and happy with that, I couldn’t be happier for you!

I don’t care how somebody else’s body looks, no matter gender or non-gender. But I care about how my body looks in relation to how I feel it should look. And I’m not talking about whether it’s fit, healthy and with good skin, and the like – believe me, I couldn’t care less about calories, lotions etc – I’m talking about body parts.

I need my body parts to make sense to me. And boobs does not make sense on me, they’re unnecessary, in the way and just useless blobs of fat. I’m in no hurry to even make a decision regarding whether or not I want genital surgery – that’s not an area anybody else has any business being – but my boobs I’ve wanted to get rid of since my teens. (I’m close to 30 now, so it’s been a while.)

But I’m seriously nor sure I’m actually allowed to feel not-quite-satisfied-yet – I’m not unsatisfied, far from it, and I definitely don’t regret anything, and I know it might look different in a few weeks time. Not everyone gets the opportunity to even do a mastectomy, despite wanting to. And I’ve gotten no negative comments on my decision to do it, not from friends, family or work. I’ve been away from my work almost two weeks now, without problems, because of the surgery. I’ve gotten a lot of positive words and feelings from friends, family and work, during and after the surgery. A friend travelled to me and helped around my place the first few days after the surgery. Everything’s gone pretty smoothly over-all during and since the surgery.

So I should be satisfied.

I should feel satisfied just with having had it done.

I should at least feel satisfied with all this until the healing is done, and then see if I’m not-quite-satisfied.

But I can’t put the feelings off. I can’t help feeling them. I don’t want to feel anything but happy and satisfied right now. But I can’t help it.

It’s hard to have patience and not feel too much too soon, when it comes to major points in your life.

Hopefully it becomes less and less boobs as the swelling goes down. The dream is that it won’t look at all like boobs, and just like a chest, when the swelling’s disappeared – but I’m not counting on it. I don’t believe in that kind of luck.

Well, I’ll stop complaining now and go back to trying to stay on the happy side of things.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

Special day cancelled

Today was supposed to be a special, wonderful, scary day. But it didn’t go as planned.

I was supposed to finally have my mastectomy – but the hospital called on Friday last week and rescheduled it. Because they don’t have enough beds.

Sure, I only have to wait until March for my new time, but it’s still annoying. And it’s definitely affected my mood these days.

The weekend didn’t really help either – I went to visit my family (parents, siblings, nephews, the-like) – and spent most of the weekend being misgendered and dead-named.

Well, I can’t say the whole weekend was bad, because it wasn’t. I had fun with them to – played games among other things and we celebrated my little sister having finished her studies becoming a teacher – and I met up with a couple of close friends.

Enough about the weekend. It’s not really important. Or relevant. I just don’t like thinking about the cancellation to much, since it gets my mood very much down. But at the same time, I need to get it out of my system. I don’t like bothering my friends over and over with the same thing. And I don’t seem to be able to get stuff out with just talking and complaining about it. I need to write it down. And I need to start utilizing this blog more for that purpose. It’s not always as helpful as I’d like it to be to just write for and to myself. Here I can write for and to myself, and at the same time writing for and to whoever feels like reading.

Anyway…

I was supposed to get rid of the bothersome clumps of fat called breasts today. But now I have to wait for March to get rid of them. So I have over a month to agonize and worry about them rescheduling again. Yay…

I spent most of last week’s evenings sewing a few new shirt to use after the operation – since I probably won’t find it too comfortable pulling a shirt over my head for a while afterwards. I’m pretty happy with them and looked forward to using them. But now that have to wait. Technically I could still use them, but they’re made for no breast so using them now would mean; tight over the chest and breast too visible. So not a comfortable option.

Well, I’m going to spend the rest of the evening watching shows and ignoring my sadness as much as possible.

Hopefully you’re all having a greater night/day/week than I am.

Good night!

Hormone treatment

Soo… It’s been a few (about four) months since my last entry here. I’ve been meaning to write more, but life got in the way and time flew away.

Since I last wrote I’ve started hormone treatment and gotten two testosterone shots. I got the first shot seven weeks ago and the second one last week. I’ll be getting the third one in five weeks, and after that it’ll be every twelfth week.

I’m not a fan of shots, but for this I’ll happily get them for the rest of my life ^_^

It hasn’t happened much yet, but some things have happened. Firstly, I feel like I’m constantly eating. It’s not that I’m hungry a lot more than before, it’s more like I’m constantly craving something to chew on. I’ve gained some kilos these weeks (about 5 kg, I think). This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since I can stand gaining weight and it’s only good for me if I start eating more.

Secondly, I haven’t had my period since the first shot. I had it when I got the shot and since that period ended, I haven’t gotten it again. This doesn’t mean I won’t be getting it again – it might just have become really irregular – but I can always hope. I was warned that it could become irregular, but I was also warned that it probably wouldn’t disappear until after a few shots and/or months. Guess I’m lucky (:

Knock on wood!!!

Aside from this, I haven’t really noticed any other changes. Well, the hair above my lip have darkened a bit at the edges, I guess…

That’s really all I have to write about right now, so I’ll just end it here.

Until the next entry, then! Have a nice day/week/month/etc (: