Category Archives: Fears

Boring life?

I live a pretty boring life. Most of my life I live through reading. I read almost all the time. It’s a great way to experience different things, without having to do anything. Without having to spend money I don’t have. Without becoming a victim for my social anxiety. Without having to really live.

But it’s a terrible way to live life. Because I don’t really experience anything. I don’t do anything. I don’t live. I hide away and ignore.

I don’t want to live a boring life. I have a lot of things I want to do. The thing I want to do soon, is travel to London and stay there 3-4 weeks. And I want to do this alone – or at least mostly alone, wouldn’t complain if someone I know is there only a few days too – because I want to enjoy it my way. By walking around and do nothing. By being able to make up my mind as I go. And at the same time, live, experience and make to most out of the trip. If possible I’d like to do this next year. But I don’t really think I’ll be able to do that, since I don’t have an income that allows for me to save money.

So, I live a boring life. But my life hasn’t really been boring, if you see to things I’ve been through (though I haven’t been through anything if you compare to others, but I try to not compare myself or my life with others). I’ve lived through being bullied, being sexually taken advantage of by my uncle, depression, moving far away by myself several times, being practically homeless, lost one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, coming out as transgender, and in over the years I’ve found a great community, rekindled a dwindled friendship, made great new friends, become stronger and developed as a person. And I’m currently working on my transition.

I might not have lived through big events or changes, or had an eventful life if you compare to some or if you look at the lives people live in books and movies. But I’ve been through both good and bad stuff, and if I were to write it all down, I might see that I’ve had an eventful life – even if it’s been smaller events. And I’m young still. So I’ll probably live through a lot more good and bad stuff.

My life feels boring, it feels like nothing ever happens and like I don’t even live sometimes, but if I really think about it? My life’s not really boring, it might be in a slump at the moment, but that’ll change. I’ll just have to do my best and work through it in the meantime. And look forward to the time when I actually can do the things I really want to do.

Until then, I need to learn to enjoy the lazy days and to let go of the pressure to find a job and to do this and that. Even as unemployed, I have the right to not think about it all the time. I have the right to do things, no matter how small, without feeling guilty or stressed over it. And it’s also alright for me not to have the energy to do things, or to not have the money to do things. I have my reading. And I have friends who understand my situation. I can live a boring life at the moment.

I just need to understand that boring isn’t necessary bad. And a day spent reading, doesn’t equal boring either. It is what I make it. And if I want to make my boring life less boring through reading, then that is what I’ll do.

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Not fair

I believe I’m in denial (partly, at least) about having to go to the gynecologist on Tuesday. I don’t think about it, and pretend it’s not going to happen. But whenever I consciously think about it, I get anxious and have the feeling of oncoming panic in my chest, throat and head. I really, really don’t want to go there. I don’t want anyone to touch my genitals – I got enough of that shit as a child! But I don’t have a choice. And that sucks! Big time!

I mean. why do I have to? Why do transguys have to visit the gynecologist, when other guys don’t have to? It should at least be optional – as it is for females! But no, we have to! At least where I live, I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but quite frankly, I don’t care about the rest of the world right now.

I’m panicking and just want it to be Wednesday now. That way, I’ll already be done with it, and hopefully will never have to do it again!

(originally posted at my old, and misbehaving, blog and was posted on May 16, 2015)

Dreaded appointment

May 19:th I’m having my first ever visit to a gynecologist. Yes, I’m still a man, but since I’m transgender and pre-op (I’m actually going through my gender investigation right now), I have to do this. It’s a part of the investigation before I’ll be permitted to rectify my gender. I’m nervous as hell. I get serious anxiety whenever I think about the upcoming visit there. And I’m hoping that writing it down, will settle the fear some.

The reason I’m terrified of this visit isn’t because I’m transgender. And it has nothing to do with me being asexual and having no interest with sex and never having been sexually active. It partly has to do with me not being comfortable being naked (or partly naked) around people, much less strangers.

It has pretty much everything to do with the fact that I was molested as a child. By my uncle. That I still have contact with and see a few times a year – though I’ve made it a habit to never be alone around him anymore.

I don’t remember the exact number of occasions, but it happened more than once, and at least three-four times over a span of a few years.

Sometimes he used to watch me and my siblings when my parents weren’t home, or be staying the night after a night of drinking, since we lived closer to the city centre than he did. It were mostly during these times that he came into my bedroom after I’d fallen asleep. The usual thing for him to do, was to pull out his own dick and put my hands on it – some time he put it against my lips. Some times he let his own hand travel into my underwear.

How do I know this?

I wasn’t always asleep. I sometimes woke up as he came into the room, or maybe I hadn’t even had time to fall asleep – I don’t remember exactly, I was after all only around 7-10 years old (making it around 20 years ago). I never made it clear that I was awake. I was too afraid, nervous, small…

I learned to “move around in my sleep” in a way that made it harder for him. I would curl into myself and turn around so my back was towards him. I didn’t know what else to do.

The only time (that I remember) he did something when I was awake, was when I visited him one day. I used to give him foot massages. This time he said he’d give me a body massage back. He started with my back, from top to bottom, or the other way around, I don’t remember. Then I was to turn around. And he did the same thing on my front. Including the breast area and the genitals. All outside the clothes. Afterwards, he gave me some money and told me that this was between us, that I’m not to tell anyone else. And I didn’t.

I didn’t tell anyone about any of it. Not until a few years back, when I couldn’t manage life without feeling bad all the time, or without reoccuring nightmares all the time.

It might not sound like much, might not seem like such a big deal – it’s not like I was raped or anything – but it affected my whole life. It still affects me, even though I’ve worked on it and actually can write/talk about it now.

Now I have to go to a gynecologist. For the first time. And hopefully the last. People have said that it’s not a big deal (they don’t know about my background). That it’s over quickly. This doesn’t help me. I’m still terrified. And I don’t even know the gender of my gynecologist – I believe I’ll have an easier time with a female one – because the name is foreign for me and I can’t tell from it. So I’ll have to wait until my appointment to find out. This does not help my anxiety over the matter.

I really would like to cancel the appointment, but I need to do it. And it’s better to get it over with, rather than prolonging the inevitable.

But I don’t know what to do, to make it as easy as possible for myself. If you have any advice, I’ll gladly listen. Most valued would be advice from people that’s been through similar situations, and really can understand my feelings.

So far it hasn’t really helped any to write this down. I think I need to talk (or chat) about it, for it to help. But the only persons I have that I could talk about this with, doesn’t know about the molestation – one of them probably have a general idea that I’ve been through something negative in the sexual sense, but I haven’t felt like telling them all of it. So I’m in a bind. I don’t want to tell any of them right now either. It’s enough to worry about the appointment, I don’t want to worry about how to tell someone the rest of it too.

I have nothing more to write right now. I might try to write more about this closer to the date, to see if it helps then.

(originally posted at my old, and misbehaving, blog and was posted on May 7, 2015)