Plans to move?

I feel like moving again. And I’m only lived in this apartment for a little over a year (moved here last Mars), and I already want to move again. I’ve lived in and around this town for close to six years and I like it. But the people I treasure the most don’t live here. They don’t even live close to this town. Well, I guess that’s a matter of perspective, really. But when I don’t have money or opportunity to visit them often, or for them to visit me, then it’s the same as they not living close by. And really. The closest one lives about two hours away – maybe not that far, if I had a car and/or money to visit.

I’m thinking about moving about 3-4 hours away from here. I’ll get further away from some friends and from my family and closer to a few other friends. It would be nice to try at least. And it would mean moving to a big city, which definitely would be an experiemce since I’m from the countryside. Though I plan to find a place that isn’t in the centre of the city, but more on the outside where it gives more of an illusion of not being a big city.

I probably won’t move soon – you need money and planning when moving – but I’m hoping to maybe move in about a year or so. Well, the future will show what happens!

All body sizes can come with troubles!

It’s hard to stop your thoughts as they appear, and not all thoughts are good or kind in nature. And some thoughts are of course about other people.

It’s hard not to look at people as they pass, or you pass them. And while looking, you might find thoughts popping into your head – thoughts about these people. I get thoughts like “Look at how thin/skinny/fat s/he is”. “Look at those tattoos/piercings/clothes/that hair” etc. I don’t really think it’s anything wrong about these thoughts, whether they’re of the positive or negative kind. It’s just thoughts, and most people gets them. And I don’t follow up these thoughts with things like “S/he should build some muschles/eat something/gain weight/lose weight” or things like that – but even if I would think like that, it’s still just thoughts.

But I know how it feels when people complain about your body – I’m skinny and weak. I’ve grown up hearing about how I should eat more and gain weight, how I’m anorexic (which I’m not and never have been – and if you want me really pissed at you, this is the insult to use) and how I’m too weak for this and that. I have had (still somewhat have) trouble with food. But the kind of trouble that comes from me being picky and not really liking to eat – and I really don’t like to cook, escpecially for just me. But I do eat, and I can eat a lot if I feel like it. I also eat a lot of snacks, drink soda and eat junk food. Sure, I can go days without really eating mroe than a sandwich or something, but I also have days when I nibble at snacks or other stuff all day. I can have periods where I only eat junk food or fatty foods (I really don’t care about calories, fat and the likes in food, by the way), but this doesn’t necessary mean I get any closer to gaining weight. I have a hard time gaining weight, no matter what I eat or how much of it. I went a few weeks (a few years ago) eating nothing but candy and junk food, and I lost weight.

Today I fluctuate between 51-55 kilos (and I’m 175 cm tall), so I’m definitely underweight. But I don’t dislike my weight or my looks, and I think that’s what’s most important – no matter what you weight or how you look. Sure, your health’s important too, but it’s not up to other people to decide when your weight’s affecting your health, they don’t know your body as well as you do.

But as I said, I fluctuate between 51–55 kilos today. This is underweight and it’s not unusual for me to hear about how I should gain more weight. What people don’t seem to understand is that it’s easier said than done. People always complain about how hard it is to lose weight, while it’s so easy to gain it. They talk about how easy it is for thin people and how hard it is for fat people. Well, thin people have there problems too. It’s not a picnic to be underweight either, and it’s not fun to have to listen to people talk and “joke” about my body size or how I should eat butter to gain weight. Like it’s that easy.

It might not be easy for fat people to lose weight, and they might have a health issue that makes it harder and whatever. I don’t really care about the reasons. I don’t care if they’re fat, thin or something between, it’s up to every individual to decide for themselves how they want to look and if they’re happy or not with their looks. This includes me!

And it’s not easy to gain weight, I can’t gain weight by “eating butter” or something like that. For me, it is hard to gain weight. It’s far easier to lose weight, even if I eat all the time and if I just sit on my ass all day, just as it is when I eat and train, don’t eat and train, don’t eat and just sit around, you name it. It’s taken me about 15 years to gain 10 kilos – and the last 4-5 kilos I mostly gained because of my anti-depressive medication. When I was 14 years old, I weighed about 45 kilos, today I’m 28 years old.

It’s not necessarily easy to gain weight. It can be a damn hard struggle, and not only to gain it, but also to keep it!

That’s all from me today. Now I’m gonna go eat some cake and be lazy in front of my TV.