Am I allowed?

Am I allowed to be not completely satisfied?

I finally had my mastectomy – just a week and a half ago – and I oscillate between being thrilled and being not-quite-satisfied. And the second feeling usually leads to feelings of guilt and anxiety.

I couldn’t be happier about having had my mastectomy – and I’ll get another visit with my surgeon in a few months, during which we’ll see if there’s anything more that needs to be done, like e. g. liposuction. But I can’t help not being completely satisfied yet, even though I know I should give it more time before I make a final judgement. I’m still healing – my chest is yellow and blue, and it’s still a bit swollen. I’m not sure how much is swelling that will go down as the healing proceeds.

But.

As it looks right now, I’m not completely satisfied. I still have boobs. They may be tiny, especially compared to before, but it’s still boobs. I don’t want boobs. Not even small ones. I want to be able to wear a tight shirt, or no shirt, without feeling self-concious about boobs I shouldn’t have.

And yes, I know. Not all guys have flat chests. Most people have some padding (or whatever you want to call it). But trust me, this is not padding. This is boobs. And I’m skinny. I’m the underweight kind of skinny. So even small boobs – that might be small enough to just be natural padding on some people – will not feel, or look, like padding on me. It will look like small boobs. I’m feminine-looking enough that people won’t even question it. They’ll probably just see a regular girl with small boobs.

“Why care what other people think?”

I try not to. And a lot of times, I don’t. But it’s not only about what other people thinks. It’s about what I think and, more importantly, what I feel. And if I don’t feel right, if I feel that my chest is more boobs than just a chest, that will affect my confidence around other people. And when your confidence is playing against you, it’s hard as hell not caring what other people think.

It’s hard going against the norm when it comes to a thing like gender – most people grow up with the notion that you don’t need more than to look at a person to know their gender. And it’s exhausting to find the courage to correct people all the time – most exhausting is to correct those you see on regular basis, like co-workers. It’s not easier if you’re not satisfied with your own body, on top of that.

If your body doesn’t conform to the norm and you’re satisfied and happy with that, I couldn’t be happier for you!

I don’t care how somebody else’s body looks, no matter gender or non-gender. But I care about how my body looks in relation to how I feel it should look. And I’m not talking about whether it’s fit, healthy and with good skin, and the like – believe me, I couldn’t care less about calories, lotions etc – I’m talking about body parts.

I need my body parts to make sense to me. And boobs does not make sense on me, they’re unnecessary, in the way and just useless blobs of fat. I’m in no hurry to even make a decision regarding whether or not I want genital surgery – that’s not an area anybody else has any business being – but my boobs I’ve wanted to get rid of since my teens. (I’m close to 30 now, so it’s been a while.)

But I’m seriously nor sure I’m actually allowed to feel not-quite-satisfied-yet – I’m not unsatisfied, far from it, and I definitely don’t regret anything, and I know it might look different in a few weeks time. Not everyone gets the opportunity to even do a mastectomy, despite wanting to. And I’ve gotten no negative comments on my decision to do it, not from friends, family or work. I’ve been away from my work almost two weeks now, without problems, because of the surgery. I’ve gotten a lot of positive words and feelings from friends, family and work, during and after the surgery. A friend travelled to me and helped around my place the first few days after the surgery. Everything’s gone pretty smoothly over-all during and since the surgery.

So I should be satisfied.

I should feel satisfied just with having had it done.

I should at least feel satisfied with all this until the healing is done, and then see if I’m not-quite-satisfied.

But I can’t put the feelings off. I can’t help feeling them. I don’t want to feel anything but happy and satisfied right now. But I can’t help it.

It’s hard to have patience and not feel too much too soon, when it comes to major points in your life.

Hopefully it becomes less and less boobs as the swelling goes down. The dream is that it won’t look at all like boobs, and just like a chest, when the swelling’s disappeared – but I’m not counting on it. I don’t believe in that kind of luck.

Well, I’ll stop complaining now and go back to trying to stay on the happy side of things.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

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