Dreaded appointment

May 19:th I’m having my first ever visit to a gynecologist. Yes, I’m still a man, but since I’m transgender and pre-op (I’m actually going through my gender investigation right now), I have to do this. It’s a part of the investigation before I’ll be permitted to rectify my gender. I’m nervous as hell. I get serious anxiety whenever I think about the upcoming visit there. And I’m hoping that writing it down, will settle the fear some.

The reason I’m terrified of this visit isn’t because I’m transgender. And it has nothing to do with me being asexual and having no interest with sex and never having been sexually active. It partly has to do with me not being comfortable being naked (or partly naked) around people, much less strangers.

It has pretty much everything to do with the fact that I was molested as a child. By my uncle. That I still have contact with and see a few times a year – though I’ve made it a habit to never be alone around him anymore.

I don’t remember the exact number of occasions, but it happened more than once, and at least three-four times over a span of a few years.

Sometimes he used to watch me and my siblings when my parents weren’t home, or be staying the night after a night of drinking, since we lived closer to the city centre than he did. It were mostly during these times that he came into my bedroom after I’d fallen asleep. The usual thing for him to do, was to pull out his own dick and put my hands on it – some time he put it against my lips. Some times he let his own hand travel into my underwear.

How do I know this?

I wasn’t always asleep. I sometimes woke up as he came into the room, or maybe I hadn’t even had time to fall asleep – I don’t remember exactly, I was after all only around 7-10 years old (making it around 20 years ago). I never made it clear that I was awake. I was too afraid, nervous, small…

I learned to “move around in my sleep” in a way that made it harder for him. I would curl into myself and turn around so my back was towards him. I didn’t know what else to do.

The only time (that I remember) he did something when I was awake, was when I visited him one day. I used to give him foot massages. This time he said he’d give me a body massage back. He started with my back, from top to bottom, or the other way around, I don’t remember. Then I was to turn around. And he did the same thing on my front. Including the breast area and the genitals. All outside the clothes. Afterwards, he gave me some money and told me that this was between us, that I’m not to tell anyone else. And I didn’t.

I didn’t tell anyone about any of it. Not until a few years back, when I couldn’t manage life without feeling bad all the time, or without reoccuring nightmares all the time.

It might not sound like much, might not seem like such a big deal – it’s not like I was raped or anything – but it affected my whole life. It still affects me, even though I’ve worked on it and actually can write/talk about it now.

Now I have to go to a gynecologist. For the first time. And hopefully the last. People have said that it’s not a big deal (they don’t know about my background). That it’s over quickly. This doesn’t help me. I’m still terrified. And I don’t even know the gender of my gynecologist – I believe I’ll have an easier time with a female one – because the name is foreign for me and I can’t tell from it. So I’ll have to wait until my appointment to find out. This does not help my anxiety over the matter.

I really would like to cancel the appointment, but I need to do it. And it’s better to get it over with, rather than prolonging the inevitable.

But I don’t know what to do, to make it as easy as possible for myself. If you have any advice, I’ll gladly listen. Most valued would be advice from people that’s been through similar situations, and really can understand my feelings.

So far it hasn’t really helped any to write this down. I think I need to talk (or chat) about it, for it to help. But the only persons I have that I could talk about this with, doesn’t know about the molestation – one of them probably have a general idea that I’ve been through something negative in the sexual sense, but I haven’t felt like telling them all of it. So I’m in a bind. I don’t want to tell any of them right now either. It’s enough to worry about the appointment, I don’t want to worry about how to tell someone the rest of it too.

I have nothing more to write right now. I might try to write more about this closer to the date, to see if it helps then.

(originally posted at my old, and misbehaving, blog and was posted on May 7, 2015)

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